


Endure

by Kajune



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Out of Character, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 16:20:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19088650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kajune/pseuds/Kajune
Summary: If there was anything Cu Chulainn hated about Emiya, it was Emiya's tendency to try and be the hero.





	Endure

Dying was like second nature to a Servant.

They existed to do battle, to win wars and bring glory to their Master. As part of the Holy Grail system, a death was but guaranteed even if you won the war. As part of the Chaldea system, multiple deaths were guaranteed. Chaldea had the ability to summon the same Servant over and over again, put them through the same arduous battles again, all in the name of saving the world.

Cu Chulainn didn’t mind the work Chaldea gave him. He didn’t mind clashing weapons with brave warriors and eldritch monstrosities. He didn’t mind dying due to unexpected attacks or sheer clumsiness. He didn’t mind one bit.

However, he did mind Emiya performing these tasks.

It wasn’t out of jealousy or resentment.

Cu Chulainn was very familiar with Emiya and had known him through several Grail Wars. They were one of the few pairs of Servants who always participated in the same conflict. It led to a strange bond that was neither overly affectionate nor outright antagonistic.

...or so, Cu Chulainn had hoped.

He was definitely fond of the man he claimed to dislike. He was so deeply fond that the sight of Emiya charging into dangerous battles and happily sacrificing himself for their Master hurt him deep down.

Of course, Emiya would return after every death. He’d be back behind the kitchen counter cooking and nagging at the other Servants. It was a sight everyone had gotten used to.

Sadly, it didn’t stop Cu Chulainn’s chest from aching.

He didn’t like watching Emiya die. He had tried several times to stop Emiya from running off on his self-imposed mission and try to save everyone like some cheesy hero. Each time he had failed. He either failed to reach Emiya in time before the thought of death became a pleasant one or Emiya outright ignored his pleas and died without a second thought.

Even when he didn’t die during battle, he’d be dragging back bloodied and broken limbs towards their Master with a grin on his face, as if he enjoyed getting hurt.

To be honest, Cu Chulainn was well aware that Emiya possessed self-respect so small it hardly existed. It made him look like a masochist at times, the way pain didn’t matter as long as he could protect someone.

Cu Chulainn had nothing against Emiya carrying the desire to save others, though. It’s just that it came into conflict with Cu Chulainn’s own desire to protect him.

He’d made it a lifelong goal not to let anyone know, but Cu Chulainn’s mortal life was full of instances when he had failed to protect or rescue someone he cared about. More often than he’d like to acknowledge, he had been the one to end the life of a loved one.

Emiya was no exception, in that he was a loved one Cu Chulainn was failing to protect, over and over. Many a times he had told himself that he did not need to protect someone who was going to come back soon after, that death shouldn’t be a bother when it wasn’t permanent.

Cu Chulainn’s heart still broke little by little, watching Emiya give his life like that. It was noble, it was heroic, but it still hurt.

“Are you seriously going to go with that plan?”

Emiya just nodded.

Even today, Cu Chulainn was expected to watch Emiya sacrifice himself against an enemy no mere Servant could beat; at least, not without sacrifice. Cu Chulainn didn’t even have to watch Emiya die, he could just look away and pretend it had nothing to do with him, but just knowing what was happening – what was going to happen - was enough to cause him pain.

The other Servants didn’t care. Many of them were fond of Emiya, but they were unaffected by his decision to die so often. It was understandable, given that several of them were the same. Nero and Tamamo were so okay with dying that they even competed with each other on who could protect the Master with their lives the most.

Knowing that, Cu Chulainn could only feel envy. He did not ask to fall for Emiya, to worry over him constantly and cry every now and then because the man was just too stubborn to listen to reason. Cu Chulainn didn’t ask to be put in this situation. He was alright with never caring for anyone deeply again, but fate was cruel.

He was falling deeper and deeper in love with the red-mantled hero and he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t true, not to himself. He could hide it from Emiya, keep the man in the dark about how much pain he was causing him. That’s all.

Informing Emiya of the truth wouldn’t fix anything either.

If he allowed Emiya to know how he felt, it would lead to a relationship and even more heartache. Emiya would probably begin protecting Cu Chulainn on top of their Master, he might become even more reckless and go out of his way to stop Cu Chulainn from ever taking his place, from ever giving his life to a just cause.

Besides, Emiya was a selfless hero. He preferred giving his life away for loved ones and not letting them do the same. If Cu Chulainn had the potential of giving Emiya more reasons to fight without regard to his own safety, then he would prefer to keep his mouth shut and never confess his feelings.

Which left the Child of Light with only one option: endure.

Endure. Endure. Endure.

“I’m going out. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

“Hey, let me go with you, Archer!”

“No, you just came back from your own battle. This is my turn.”

Endure. Endure. Endure.

“You look half-dead, moron.”

“What are you talking about? I feel fi--*coughs*--Is the Master alright?”

Endure some more. Endure again.

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

New Singularity announced.

“Don’t come back, I don’t wanna see your face again.”

“Haha, I won’t.”

Singularity fixed.

“You’re back.”

“Sorry, Master’s orders.”

“...I see.”

Over and over, the same outcome. Emiya either died or thrown himself into danger with delight, while another piece of Cu Chulainn’s heart broke off. He’s tempted to fall in love with someone else, with someone less reckless and annoying, but fate won’t let him choose. Fate wanted to watch him suffer in silence.

Fate was cruel.

“I am not going to cry this time so...do what you want, I won’t mind.”

He kept telling himself, in the darkness of his room, all alone and cold just like the inside of his heart.

Cu Chulainn wanted to protect Emiya, but the chance to do so would never come. Emiya would never allow it, fate would never allow it, and sometimes, not even the other Servants or his Master would allow it.

Maybe…

Maybe someday, he’ll really stop caring.

That’s all he could hope for. It’s the only guarantee he could offer himself, the only ray of hope he could see. The pain will subside. It must.

Time will pass and so will the pain.

“You look sad.”

“Why do you care?”

“What? I can’t care about you?”

Emiya never cared. Never. They got along, laughed and threw insults at each other, but to care about each other, only Cu Chulainn had ever felt that way.

“I do care. Since when did you start thinking I didn’t?”

No.

Cu Chulainn didn’t want Emiya to imply his feelings were returned. To remain distant yet close both emotionally and physically like most Servants was preferable.

It’s less painful – and safer – that way.

“Since always? We’re not even friends, you jerk.”

He tried to remind him, tried to point out that their relationship stood on a thin line between mere acquaintances and rivals. They may never hate each other but Cu Chulainn never wanted to believe they could end up as anything more.

He didn’t want to give Emiya more reasons to die.

“Lancer, I...”

Cu Chulainn did his best to pretend he didn’t hear the words that followed.

 


End file.
